Blissful acceptance

20150506_195945Last night I had an odd but wonderful experience in the middle of the night: I woke up, concerned about the pain in my jaw. It was feeling “hot” and beginning to be spiky, though still not what I would call painful (I expect most people would, though). I lay still, hoping to be able to keep it quiet enough that it wouldn’t go full-blown. As I lay there drifting around, half-awake but aware of what was going on, this showed up:

I feel I’m in a big, finished basement—“my house,” in the dream. There’s a room that’s big enough to dance in, and I’m enjoying a waltz with a casual friend of mine who’s a very good lead. I love to waltz! In this dream, or whatever it was, I realize the joy is in the dance itself, and doesn’t depend so much the person whom I’m dancing with.

Then the odd part starts:

I find myself in a strange, peaceful state of being where I just watch things going on. I watch my emotions, watch or review the events in my life, and am filled with wonder at the way they happened. There are things that in waking life I might wish had happened differently, but in this state of being, there’s no regret associated with any of it. It’s mostly a state of observation, but I’m not “neutral.” This not the Witness—I feel plenty of emotion! But it’s wonderful! I love this life of mine—every bit of it!

For many years, I’ve consciously cultivated the Witness—that state of consciousness where one can observe, without judgement and without emotion, what’s going on. Being able to observe oneself and others without emotion or judgement is enormously helpful in getting through tough times. Though difficult to constellate at first, it gets easier with practice.

This state of awareness was definitely NOT the Witness. It seems related, in the sense that there was no judgement present. But there was strong emotion: an enormous sense of love and compassion and acceptance that’s like nothing I have experienced in my everyday life.

Strange as it felt, I was not asleep, though I was deeply relaxed and had my eyes closed. It was a real, waking state of consciousness, not a dream.

It felt very odd, but very good indeed! I can’t remember exactly what I thought about (though I do remember some things that in my waking life have been HUGE disappointments), but it was all observed with that same sense of loving acceptance. It was not “dispassionate” or emotionally removed in any way. I was there, awake and aware, and it was my life … but I was loving and accepting everything that had happened just as it was.

At one point, a more dreaming moment, I looked out the window and saw snow falling, and said, “Look, it’s snowing!” The joy and pleasure I felt in seeing that cool, wonderful image was immense.

After a while, I drifted off to sleep, with no thought or experience of pain the rest of the night. And when I woke, that blissful feeling was just a memory. There is no way I can conjure up that state of being! Maybe someday I’ll experience it again. I hope so—because it was wonderful!

3 thoughts on “Blissful acceptance

  1. Dear Kay

    WOW…. I had to spend a moment in awe and silence after reading your post… I can only say this: this is IT… no need for anything more…

    I experienced a similar state of being when (back in 2002) I lost control over my car’s steering wheel, hit a pole, flipped over and landed backwards in a dry ditch. I came out of the (unrepairably wrecked) car totally unharmed, without even a single scratch or bruise on me.
    Right before I was going to hit the pole I was sure I was going to die and then I immediately entered a state so full of peace that I can’t even begin to describe it. I only know I had never experienced it before and I have never experienced it ever since. The overwhelming feeling was the total absence of fear and everything being completely okay just the way it was. The very odd thought that entered my mind right after my car had landed on the earth again was: what will be the next beautiful thing that will happen? Because strangely enough I felt like the most BEAUTIFUL thing had just happened to me.
    The weird thing was that there was glass and dirt all over the interior of my car, except on me… Nothing… not one single bit. Like I had been in some kind of ‘protective bubble’. I felt as if, in a way, I died, except… I didn’t.
    Soon enough ‘normal life’ took its course again and I lost the blissful state (and so far never found it again), but I remember that for several months I didn’t seem to ‘understand life’ anymore. I could sit and watch people racing from A to B and back again and I couldn’t make any sense out of it. And somehow I can never go back to the way I was before the accident, which I feel is a good thing.

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing my story here. Somehow I felt I HAD to share it with you.
    Isn’t that feeling of peace and accepting and admiring everything exactly the way it is without even remotely feeling the slightest urge to change anything, everything we have always been looking for?

    Much Love,

  2. Marja–what a beautiful story! I’m so glad you shared it. Yes, that’s the feeling, and like you, I can’t get it back. But at least we know it’s REAL, eh? Love and hugs, my friend!

  3. Angela says:

    Hi Kay, I enjoyed reading this post. I have had glimpses of this blissful feeling, at odd times randomly. It’s brought tears to my eyes at the realization of the beauty and perfection in each moment. I can conjure up this feeling through meditation. It has taken some practice, and I work with a specific type of meditation that has made it simpler and quicker, but it has definitely helped me find this place more often. Love and Song to you, my beautiful friend. I miss our visits!!

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